The holidays are a time for joy and connection. But for many parents, they’re also a season of endless obligations. Between coordinating family visits, finding the perfect gifts and saying “yes” to every cookie swap and school fundraiser, it’s easy to feel stretched thin. But what if the key to a more peaceful holiday season is learning to say no? Setting boundaries, even during this time of year, can help families prioritize what matters most while protecting their mental well-being.
We reached out to social worker Jewel Wilson-Taylor, co-founder of Self Care Sanctuary in Detroit, to get her expert take on managing holiday stress and boosting mental health for families.
Q: What makes the holiday season so stressful for parents and families?
Wilson-Taylor: “There’s a lot of societal pressure on what’s expected for a family. You’ve got to have all the lights up, the gifts, the photos, everybody together. Sometimes there’s a lack of understanding about how much stress comes with the holidays. Parents often want to gloss over this perfect moment without understanding how it’s taken a toll on them. There’s a lot of work behind the magic.”
Q: What are some indications that the holidays are causing stress?
Parents don’t always see warning signs before they get to the point of feeling overwhelmed. The key is to recognize rising stress levels and make adjustments.
Start by watching out for these clues, says Wilson-Taylor:
- When the holiday is over and you can’t answer honestly if you enjoyed it or not. “That’s usually an indicator that you’re focused on the wrong things,” she says.
- You miss meaningful moments because your focus is elsewhere.
- There’s no time to reflect and savor before moving on to the next event.
- You explode when something goes wrong or isn’t “perfect.”
Q: How can setting healthy boundaries help parents manage stress?
Wilson-Taylor: “I do think parents need to understand that sometimes if they are overwhelmed and stressed and have a lack of boundaries, that can lead to increased anxiety within children, or increased depression.”
If always saying yes disrupts the balance in your life, consider being a “helper” rather than the leader or organizer. “If you’re always setting up the parties and events, are you taking away from spending time with your child?” Setting boundaries can teach your child that saying no when you need to can be a mentally healthy habit, she says.
Q: What are some challenges with setting boundaries?
Wilson-Taylor: “Setting boundaries is not easy. I think a lot of people think if they say no, people will respect it. Setting boundaries can initially cause a lot of stress, especially if you are a people pleaser. My strongest advice would be to test things to get a sense of who’s going to respect your boundaries, who isn’t. Be willing to commit to those boundaries.”
No matter who you’re setting a boundary with, “there is more love in a no than a yes,” she adds. “It isn’t easy, however the more we become comfortable with that the stronger and healthier our boundaries are.”
Q: How can parents scale back during the holidays and be mindful of their children’s preferences?
You may feel pressured to make everyone happy during the holidays, but visiting several family members’ homes can be downright exhausting. Sometimes you’ll need to make hard decisions, but prioritizing can be a healthy way of setting a boundary, says Wilson-Taylor. Ask for your children’s input — what matters most to them?
“I personally have a great-grandmother. She’s 99, turning 100 next year. I saw her twice this year and that was impactful,” she shares.
Consider rotating visits to extended family and friends every other year. Or, get creative. “If you have a multitude of family members, rent a cabin in a central location where everyone can have their own space,” Wilson-Taylor suggests.
Q: What words or phrases are effective for boundary setting?
Wilson-Taylor: “No is a complete sentence — that’s a rule-of-thumb practice.” By saying any more, you give people wiggle room to encourage you to change your answer.
Q: Finally, how do kids benefit when a parent maintains healthy stress levels?
Wilson-Taylor: “When you practice mental health in any capacity, whether it’s self-care, going to see a therapist or journaling, it usually diffuses unnecessary outbursts. If I build up a lot of tension and my child asks me for something, I might project my frustrations and take it out on them. All that suppression builds up.”
A good rule of thumb, she says, is “the body keeps the score. Stress is a silent killer that comes out in our behaviors. People have heart attacks or strokes — or they don’t get a lot of sleep or do not eat properly. You have to pay attention to these signs.”
Modeling the skill is so important, says Wilson-Taylor. “Children benefit by learning how to set and maintain boundaries based on how their parents model those behaviors and practices.”
Content sponsored by the Ethel and James Flinn Foundation. Learn more at flinnfoundation.org. Find more articles like this at A Parent’s Guide to Family Mental Health at Metro Parent.
